Personal Ad to Reality translator

I have seen this posted around a couple of places. A friend of mine is in the throes of trying to find a boyfriend and some of the ads he has answered have been so far from reality that it is depressing. He got a kick out of this and I figur that Channeling Giovanni needed some more humor and less ranting. Warning, turn on your sarcasm shields!

Personal Ad Translations

• Age 25 = Real age 35
  
• Age 35 = Real age 45
  
• Age 45 = Real age 55
  
• Age not important = As long as you are under 25
  
• Age not specified = Above 60
  
• Age is XX, but looks younger = I'm hoping you don't realize I'm 15 years older than I told you
  
• Artistic = I'll read you poems till dawn
  
• Attentive = I'm going to drive you crazy morning, noon and night
  
• Athletic = Able to walk
  
• Be around my age = Be younger than me
  
• Bi-sexual = I have issues with my sexuality
  
• Mostly straight = I am in serious denial
  
• Clean = I take four or more showers a day
  
• Coach type = 75 pounds overweight and want you to parade around my place in a jock strap
  
• Computer savvy = I'm addicted to Internet chatting and spend $50 a month on porn site access
  
• Chubby = Ex-sumo wrestler
  
• Cultured = I drink beer from a glass
  
• Curious = Experienced
  
• Dad type = Looking for someone 25 years younger than me
  
• Discreet = I'll leave blatantly obvious messages on your answering machine and your front door
  
• Enjoy a porn movie occasionally = I have 500 porns and always keep one playing when I'm home. I'll watch them while we are having sex if you can even pry me away from the TV.
  
• Generous = I'm looking to pay for it
  
• Generou$ = I'm looking for YOU to pay for it
  
• Good sense of humor = Gilbert Godfrey
  
• Hairy = I hope you like back hair
  
• Have 8" = I have a visible penis
  
• High energy dancer = I will embarass you and anyone within 50 feet when we go dancing
  
• Honesty important = You will eventually find out about all the lies I have told you
  
• Huskey = Ex-sumo wrestler
  
• I have a lot to offer = I'm gonna take, take, take
  
• Independent = Co-dependent
  
• Just to talk = I'll have my hands all over you the moment I see you
  
• Light smoker = 2 packs a day
  
• Like to cuddle = I have velcro fingers
  
• Like to travel = You have a credit card, right?
  
• Like nice clothing = That is where my rent money went last month
  
• Lonely = I have velcro fingers
  
• Looks not important = Quasimodo
  
• Masculine = Not a pre-op transsexual
  
• Muscular = I have arms and legs
  
• Monogamy important = I'm going to sleep with your roommate and friends
  
• Mostly a top = I'll rollover and face the pillow so fast it will make you dizzy
  
• Must travel / You host = I live with my parents
  
• No femmes = One of us has to be masculine and it ain't me
  
• No games = I'm gonna fuck with your head big time
  
• Not bad looking = Quasimodo
  
• Financially secure = Quasimodo who will treat at McDonalds
  
• Relationship possible = I'm looking for sex, so don't get any ideas
  
• Responsible = I miss work because of hangovers, stand you up regularly, oversleep, and bounce checks
  
• Romantic = Owns extensive Barry Manilow collection
  
• Rugged = Face covered with scars
  
• Sex 3 times or more a day = You will be lucky to get an erection from me once a week
  
• Social drinker = I'll get rip-roaring drunk on our first date
  
• Stable = Remember the movie Fatal Attraction?
  
• Straight acting = You could pick me out as gay at a PTA meeting in Lynchburg, VA.
  
• Stud = I have not looked in the mirror or stepped on a scale in 10 years
  
• Student = Looking for Quasimodo who will treat at McDonalds
  
• Tan = Leather skin
  
• Teen = Well, I hope you are a teen, anyway
  
• Willing to relocate = I have no visible means of support
  
• Work out regularly = There is a gym in my neighborhood